I have been doing so-so with getting into a better eating lifestyle. It is slow, but I am making progress. I am exercising everyday, and being mindful of my meals and not over snacking. In time it will become a good habit and the weight will fall off as a result. The one reason I am doing this is because I want to be healthy and feel good so I can attract my dreams and wishes to come true. I also never want my kids to worry about my health either, and shedding these extra pounds will help keep me healthy. I have even been lurking around Sparkpeople and there is a lot support there. I was about to jump in until I saw the one board that is relevant to my issues had members shoving religion down everyone else's throats. That was a turn off. Are all of these weight loss sites like this? I am going to keep searching for a good support group that suits me. Perhaps there are other groups on Sparkpeople since it is so large that does not focus so much on religion!! Anyway I am starting to veer off from the point I want to get to.
A friend of mine, who is also dealing with caring for a young autistic child is understandably stressed and unhappy. I asked her what her wishes and hopes were. She told me, obviously one of them being that her son like mine lives a fully independent and happy life. I actually gave her a scenario which I had given myself as well. It just came to me. And I really do think of it this way for now on. I will share what I had said.
Think about your hopes and dreams as a place that you really are aiming to get to. You are going to have to take a drive to that place that you want to get to. Some of the towns or villages that you drive through in order to get to that place are going to be run down, unappealing and downright tough. There will be some nicer villages to pass through as well, but there will also be some unappealing areas to drive through in order to get to that place. If you have a goal or dream that you want to reach, think of it as that place. And you need to work for it to get there. The same way you have to drive through some villages, peaceful and not so peaceful to get to that place. There will be many tough moments to go through while you are working to get to your hopes and dreams. However, if you remember why you are going through these rough times or driving through that ugly village, it makes the journey less difficult. Remember passing by the ugly village is temporary, and the place that yo want to get to is permanent.
Yes, I would say I am not in the worst village right now that I have ever been, but not the prettiest either. But I will do my best to not get caught up in where I may be driving through no matter how the surroundings look at the time. I know what place I am meant to get to, and that is all that matters!! I deserve to reach my hopes and dreams.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Back From my Trip, Getting into the Mindset
I had a lot of time to think in L.A. And I mean a lot. Not just about my own life but about some others around me, and found a better understanding of how some people just are. I can't change them but I need to learn how to change my reaction to them. Eventually, I will elaborate on this issue but right now I will not say much.
I need to keep reminding myself that my dreams are attainable, and that I am worth it. I need to find a good weight loss and self esteem support group. I know there is a large weight loss community like Sparkpeople, however as wonderful and resourceful as that site is, I have never been 100% comfortable there. Maybe I am wrong but I find a lot of people on there highly religious and they unintentionally forget that some others do not share their beliefs. And hey I am not being disrespectful towards those who have different beliefs than I do. However, what I don't like is anyone assuming I have the same beliefs that they do even though I have told them in the past, I do not believe in "Higher Power" or G-d the same way as they do. But yet they continue on anyway. That to me pisses me off! However, every weight loss or recovery community is going to be filled with that. And it seems to me that those who don't have such beliefs like that participate forums that are less active. I don't know. I am not closing my door on Sparkpeople yet, I can always go back and create my own community there for those who are not going to throw their beliefs in my face all of the time. Again I am not being disrespectful, I just get very irritated when those assume that I have the same beliefs that they do and never listen to the fact that I don't share their beliefs. However, having weight loss support IS important, so I will find a good support group. But either way, I am adding exercise into my routine, I am taking fast paced walks for at least a half hour. I am trying to be mindful with my food intake. However, I am still struggling with the afternoon munchies. I am doing fine other than that, but the afternoon munchies can be quite detrimental in the long run if I don't stop it. I need to distract myself. The reason I am fine otherwise is because I am not home during the day that often. When I am not home, I do not think about food. But when I am home, HAVING to work in the kitchen, getting dinner prepared.. then it gets dangerous. I am finding that to be the only major challenge to deal with right now. Somehow I have to find a way to distract myself from it no matter where I am. But this is what I am sharing for now. Will be back soon!
I need to keep reminding myself that my dreams are attainable, and that I am worth it. I need to find a good weight loss and self esteem support group. I know there is a large weight loss community like Sparkpeople, however as wonderful and resourceful as that site is, I have never been 100% comfortable there. Maybe I am wrong but I find a lot of people on there highly religious and they unintentionally forget that some others do not share their beliefs. And hey I am not being disrespectful towards those who have different beliefs than I do. However, what I don't like is anyone assuming I have the same beliefs that they do even though I have told them in the past, I do not believe in "Higher Power" or G-d the same way as they do. But yet they continue on anyway. That to me pisses me off! However, every weight loss or recovery community is going to be filled with that. And it seems to me that those who don't have such beliefs like that participate forums that are less active. I don't know. I am not closing my door on Sparkpeople yet, I can always go back and create my own community there for those who are not going to throw their beliefs in my face all of the time. Again I am not being disrespectful, I just get very irritated when those assume that I have the same beliefs that they do and never listen to the fact that I don't share their beliefs. However, having weight loss support IS important, so I will find a good support group. But either way, I am adding exercise into my routine, I am taking fast paced walks for at least a half hour. I am trying to be mindful with my food intake. However, I am still struggling with the afternoon munchies. I am doing fine other than that, but the afternoon munchies can be quite detrimental in the long run if I don't stop it. I need to distract myself. The reason I am fine otherwise is because I am not home during the day that often. When I am not home, I do not think about food. But when I am home, HAVING to work in the kitchen, getting dinner prepared.. then it gets dangerous. I am finding that to be the only major challenge to deal with right now. Somehow I have to find a way to distract myself from it no matter where I am. But this is what I am sharing for now. Will be back soon!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Before I Leave for my Much Needed Vacation to LA, I Must Introduce Myself , Who I am, and Why Change for Me is a MUST
Hello, my name is Miriam. I am married, and have 2 kids living in the Toronto area, in a nice home and there are people in my life who care about me and love me deeply. I am an astrologer, a spiritual author who has already written one book having to do with my past lives and reincarnation phenomenon called My Five Autobiographies. I am an astrologer who delves into a lot of past life phenomenon as well. I am also in the middle of creating my second book which will likely be ready in January of 2011 which involves a heavy esoteric topic- Holocaust reincarnation. As you have probably guessed, I have done a lot of soul searching and am quite spiritual to begin with. I have made many discoveries about myself. One would assume that after all of that, I am quite balanced, am able to love myself and to happy. Sadly, if you were to assume that, you would be wrong. Because even after exploring my soul, and realizing the reason I have always felt tortured within was because of being in the Holocaust in my previous life, one would think I would be at peace knowing where the inner torture came from. But again that does not mean being "cured" from the effects of past torture once you just discover where your inner feelings of torture and sadness came from- just like that. It requires work, work, work to find inner peace and happiness. And it usually is a very long road to get there. In fact, in order to feel whole again it could take several lifetimes to really get there. But honestly, since I have been doing this kind of work for several years now, I am really far from where I should be as far not being hypocritical about it. I know what I need to practice, and I talk about it. But I NEVER walk the talk. Never. And I admit, I am embarrassed about it because I should be rising higher above from where I am most of the time.
I know healing can take a very long time. Healing is a very difficult process. And I am not only having to heal from past life wounds. I have current life wounds that happened in my childhood such as the constant bullying that I had to put up with because of being "different" which I truly do need to once and for all overcome. Someone recently said to me if I am still dwelling on being bullied so much, they have WON and she is right. Because they have and I don't want that!! They don't deserve to win. If I was truly making a better attempt at healing from my inner wounds, I would be treating myself better, not putting myself down so much, and loving myself more than I do. I mean I have never loved myself, and I think every time I make an attempt to love myself, I get very scared and retreat back going to my old destructive ways. Loving myself feels very foreign to me. There is no coincidence that I am 50lbs to 60lbs overweight and even once I start to lose some of it, I get scared and then it immediately comes back. I am a food addict, always have been and always will be. And I am not saying that to be negative. It's a fact. Addicts do need to stay away from anything they are addicted to. Food is a difficult one because you have to eat to survive. But what I need to do is reduce my sugar, portions, eat balanced small meals and snacks a few times a day and to STICK WITH IT! I also need to exercise and to STICK WITH THAT! I also need to dress nicer, and look more presentable, and to STICK TO DOING THAT! So I know this, it's not rocket science! Why cannot I NOT STICK WITH THAT??
Let me start off by saying I got toxic tapes rolling in my head. I mean very, very toxic like "you will never get anywhere in life", "you are one of the astrologers who may be good at what you do but you will never get a huge clientele", or "your books will never sell", or "your dreams will NEVER come true because you don't deserve it". Wow... I sure sound like those bullies who tormented me 20 years ago, and some even sooner than that. Sad huh? Why and how could I treat myself that way. I mean I have even called myself a "stupid excuse of a human being" for losing something. And my amazing daughter was around at the time. Her immediately reply was "mommy you are NOT stupid, you are the best and you will find what you are looking for". This happened quite recently and made me think. Wow... she is right. No I still feel and consider myself as "stupid" but.. if I keep hurting myself, I keep hurting her. If I learn to love myself properly, then I will be giving her everything she needs too. I am not being fair to my daughter, or to my son.
My son has autism and my relationship with him is different. I do love him and I am thankful he is on the high functioning end of the spectrum, and doing well with therapy. And yes, raising a child with special needs, no matter how "severe" or "mild", it has additional challenges that parents who are raising children without needs do not have to deal with. Therefore, parents who are raising children with needs are very stressed and misunderstood. And boy when he was diagnosed I had fallen into such a dark depression which I don't feel like talking too much about. I know it kills me too because I passed down a gene which may have caused it. I am slightly under the spectrum myself, but he is more profound than I am. And, I have this morbid and both, rational and irrational fear that he will never be independent (it's rational because most parents in my position have the same worries but in my case this worry CONSUMES me), and that he will need my care forever. He will need my care forever, because why? I lose perspective that just because he is having major challenges at 6 years of age still, even though he has progressed tonnes since he had started getting therapy at 3 that he will keep evolving and adapting? And because of that I fear he will never live a good decent life later on, even though I have been a huge effort into making sure he has great odds of it? I mean my fear about my son's future is not just damaging to me but it's damaging to him. He deserves so much better than that. Mothers need to have faith in their kids' abilities and that is what got Dr. Temple Grandin, a woman with autism who is in her 60's who achieved more than what the average person ever has. Her mother knew even back in the 50's where early intervention was unheard of, that Temple would do well. Her faith got her daughter to where she was meant to be. In my heart, my son will not need my care or end up in a home.. except for one of his own. But why do I fear this so much? Because I am terrified of FAILURE!! Yet I expect it. Oh it is such a vicious cycle. I see myself as a failure, and yet because of that, all of this effort that I have put to help my son I am terrified will not work out in the end because of my false belief that I deserve to fail. I have been told over and over again by my intuitive friends who I like and they all had seen great outcomes for my son. Why do I still worry about this so much? Because again, it boils down to that fear, no matter how much I try, I will fail. Yes, raising a child with some special needs is very hard, and I do accept the job of making sure he gets the best therapy until he is ready to go into another program that is appropriate for whatever phase he is in. But I need to believe that my son in the end will be fine, like my friends have reassured me over and over again. I have to somehow just let go of this fear. And many people under the spectrum have done some amazing things in their lives, and have touched so many like Temple Grandin. Why not my son? I can't afford to hurt my son who has potential to do well in life with my toxic low self esteem talk! It's not fair to him.
And I have huge projects like my second book coming up. I DO want that to be a success and I am working with a great editor/media publicist to get it off the ground. I NEED to get my shit together before it happens. I fear again failure though, why? Because my first book did not sell great. And of course I put that as a reflection on me. I mean really? Who would buy from me? That is what I thought. Those who I also believed would purchase from me kept giving me the run around about how they would want to buy the book but never got around to it for one excuse after another. I thought I was the only author who had this kind of experience, and was shocked to find out that I was not the first one to experience that from what other authors had told me. But still, a very big bruise to my already damaged ego. Not good, since it was a book about spirituality and reincarnation and this is how I react to it. I mean I did delete those from my facebook account who did purposely give me the run around why they never bought my book. It's fine, I mean if they serve me nothing other than more negative thoughts, why do I need them? But somehow I have to learn to detach myself from the outcome of these things while I keep working because what I do know, my messages that I want to bring out ARE important to me.
I am also terrified of my DREAMS, yes my DREAMS, all of them, being a successful author and astrologer, being able to TRAVEL, TRAVEL, TRAVEL, for leisure as well as for conducting seminars and such, eventually to move to BC by the ocean and away from Toronto. AND that BOTH of my kids will live completely independent HAPPY lives (not my daughter having to care for my son!!!). I want my daughter to live her own life AS WELL AS MY SON! Besides, I need to be there for my kids as even adult children need their parents (and no, that does not mean for me to physically care for my son which won't happen anyway) You already know from what you have read what I DON'T want and what I DO fear. But this last paragraph describes what I DO want, and this is what I need to focus on. I need to focus on this, I need to focus on these wants, while I am working hard on my son's development, when I am exercising (which I hate doing normally but that has to change), while I choose grilled chicken over fried chicken (without moaning about it), saying "NO" to food that I REALLY don't NEED. This is what I need to focus on. These are motivators as to why I want to be healthy.
And sure, there is unfortunately still a chance that my dreams will not come true for one reason or another. Or not all of my dreams coming true. However, I have to believe they will. And if I believe they will, I will keep thinking they will, and will have a reason to be motivated to stay healthy.
You know I suffer from depression and severe anxiety anyway. I do not do well with antidepressants. But at the same time I have really, really never taken care of myself well.
I am about to leave for my trip to L.A. , and will be gone for a week. And no I am not going to pig out on this trip. Yes, I will indulge in some desserts or whatever here and there. But I am going to eat well, AND get lots and lots of exercise. More importantly, I will do more soul searching. I will find more reasons as to why I keep sabotaging myself each time I have tried making an effort to make a positive change. However, I think honestly I have covered it all. in a nutshell I have severe low self esteem which I have never made any effort to make myself believe I am worthy in anyway. Even after the books I have written (and the fact that my first one did not sell well did not help my ego lol but I am not the only one who has struggled with that). Dealing with extra challenges has also challenged my self esteem. I have been sinking terribly and I am ashamed to say it considering the fact I am an astrologer. Astrologers are supposed to be spiritual right? Well I truly am as well, but I sure don't act like it. I connect with my higher self when I do my work, but in all other areas of life I fall to my dangerous lower self. It's not good.
Fortunately I have met some amazing life coaches who have already helped me open my eyes. They helped me open my eyes to realize that I need to stop focusing on my fears and all of the stuff that I DON'T want. I need to focus on what I DO want and start making the right actions now so I can get there.
When I get back home, hopefully I will have done more thinking and a few days after my birthday will be coming up. A road to self esteem and to making my dreams come true cannot be a better birthday present that I can give to anyone other than myself.
In this blog I vow to blog about my weight loss which will be permanent, my feelings even if they are irrational, whatever I need to blog about.. I will. It will involve a lot of weight related topics, autism related, or whatever I feel like ranting about! Thank you for reading this.
I know healing can take a very long time. Healing is a very difficult process. And I am not only having to heal from past life wounds. I have current life wounds that happened in my childhood such as the constant bullying that I had to put up with because of being "different" which I truly do need to once and for all overcome. Someone recently said to me if I am still dwelling on being bullied so much, they have WON and she is right. Because they have and I don't want that!! They don't deserve to win. If I was truly making a better attempt at healing from my inner wounds, I would be treating myself better, not putting myself down so much, and loving myself more than I do. I mean I have never loved myself, and I think every time I make an attempt to love myself, I get very scared and retreat back going to my old destructive ways. Loving myself feels very foreign to me. There is no coincidence that I am 50lbs to 60lbs overweight and even once I start to lose some of it, I get scared and then it immediately comes back. I am a food addict, always have been and always will be. And I am not saying that to be negative. It's a fact. Addicts do need to stay away from anything they are addicted to. Food is a difficult one because you have to eat to survive. But what I need to do is reduce my sugar, portions, eat balanced small meals and snacks a few times a day and to STICK WITH IT! I also need to exercise and to STICK WITH THAT! I also need to dress nicer, and look more presentable, and to STICK TO DOING THAT! So I know this, it's not rocket science! Why cannot I NOT STICK WITH THAT??
Let me start off by saying I got toxic tapes rolling in my head. I mean very, very toxic like "you will never get anywhere in life", "you are one of the astrologers who may be good at what you do but you will never get a huge clientele", or "your books will never sell", or "your dreams will NEVER come true because you don't deserve it". Wow... I sure sound like those bullies who tormented me 20 years ago, and some even sooner than that. Sad huh? Why and how could I treat myself that way. I mean I have even called myself a "stupid excuse of a human being" for losing something. And my amazing daughter was around at the time. Her immediately reply was "mommy you are NOT stupid, you are the best and you will find what you are looking for". This happened quite recently and made me think. Wow... she is right. No I still feel and consider myself as "stupid" but.. if I keep hurting myself, I keep hurting her. If I learn to love myself properly, then I will be giving her everything she needs too. I am not being fair to my daughter, or to my son.
My son has autism and my relationship with him is different. I do love him and I am thankful he is on the high functioning end of the spectrum, and doing well with therapy. And yes, raising a child with special needs, no matter how "severe" or "mild", it has additional challenges that parents who are raising children without needs do not have to deal with. Therefore, parents who are raising children with needs are very stressed and misunderstood. And boy when he was diagnosed I had fallen into such a dark depression which I don't feel like talking too much about. I know it kills me too because I passed down a gene which may have caused it. I am slightly under the spectrum myself, but he is more profound than I am. And, I have this morbid and both, rational and irrational fear that he will never be independent (it's rational because most parents in my position have the same worries but in my case this worry CONSUMES me), and that he will need my care forever. He will need my care forever, because why? I lose perspective that just because he is having major challenges at 6 years of age still, even though he has progressed tonnes since he had started getting therapy at 3 that he will keep evolving and adapting? And because of that I fear he will never live a good decent life later on, even though I have been a huge effort into making sure he has great odds of it? I mean my fear about my son's future is not just damaging to me but it's damaging to him. He deserves so much better than that. Mothers need to have faith in their kids' abilities and that is what got Dr. Temple Grandin, a woman with autism who is in her 60's who achieved more than what the average person ever has. Her mother knew even back in the 50's where early intervention was unheard of, that Temple would do well. Her faith got her daughter to where she was meant to be. In my heart, my son will not need my care or end up in a home.. except for one of his own. But why do I fear this so much? Because I am terrified of FAILURE!! Yet I expect it. Oh it is such a vicious cycle. I see myself as a failure, and yet because of that, all of this effort that I have put to help my son I am terrified will not work out in the end because of my false belief that I deserve to fail. I have been told over and over again by my intuitive friends who I like and they all had seen great outcomes for my son. Why do I still worry about this so much? Because again, it boils down to that fear, no matter how much I try, I will fail. Yes, raising a child with some special needs is very hard, and I do accept the job of making sure he gets the best therapy until he is ready to go into another program that is appropriate for whatever phase he is in. But I need to believe that my son in the end will be fine, like my friends have reassured me over and over again. I have to somehow just let go of this fear. And many people under the spectrum have done some amazing things in their lives, and have touched so many like Temple Grandin. Why not my son? I can't afford to hurt my son who has potential to do well in life with my toxic low self esteem talk! It's not fair to him.
And I have huge projects like my second book coming up. I DO want that to be a success and I am working with a great editor/media publicist to get it off the ground. I NEED to get my shit together before it happens. I fear again failure though, why? Because my first book did not sell great. And of course I put that as a reflection on me. I mean really? Who would buy from me? That is what I thought. Those who I also believed would purchase from me kept giving me the run around about how they would want to buy the book but never got around to it for one excuse after another. I thought I was the only author who had this kind of experience, and was shocked to find out that I was not the first one to experience that from what other authors had told me. But still, a very big bruise to my already damaged ego. Not good, since it was a book about spirituality and reincarnation and this is how I react to it. I mean I did delete those from my facebook account who did purposely give me the run around why they never bought my book. It's fine, I mean if they serve me nothing other than more negative thoughts, why do I need them? But somehow I have to learn to detach myself from the outcome of these things while I keep working because what I do know, my messages that I want to bring out ARE important to me.
I am also terrified of my DREAMS, yes my DREAMS, all of them, being a successful author and astrologer, being able to TRAVEL, TRAVEL, TRAVEL, for leisure as well as for conducting seminars and such, eventually to move to BC by the ocean and away from Toronto. AND that BOTH of my kids will live completely independent HAPPY lives (not my daughter having to care for my son!!!). I want my daughter to live her own life AS WELL AS MY SON! Besides, I need to be there for my kids as even adult children need their parents (and no, that does not mean for me to physically care for my son which won't happen anyway) You already know from what you have read what I DON'T want and what I DO fear. But this last paragraph describes what I DO want, and this is what I need to focus on. I need to focus on this, I need to focus on these wants, while I am working hard on my son's development, when I am exercising (which I hate doing normally but that has to change), while I choose grilled chicken over fried chicken (without moaning about it), saying "NO" to food that I REALLY don't NEED. This is what I need to focus on. These are motivators as to why I want to be healthy.
And sure, there is unfortunately still a chance that my dreams will not come true for one reason or another. Or not all of my dreams coming true. However, I have to believe they will. And if I believe they will, I will keep thinking they will, and will have a reason to be motivated to stay healthy.
You know I suffer from depression and severe anxiety anyway. I do not do well with antidepressants. But at the same time I have really, really never taken care of myself well.
I am about to leave for my trip to L.A. , and will be gone for a week. And no I am not going to pig out on this trip. Yes, I will indulge in some desserts or whatever here and there. But I am going to eat well, AND get lots and lots of exercise. More importantly, I will do more soul searching. I will find more reasons as to why I keep sabotaging myself each time I have tried making an effort to make a positive change. However, I think honestly I have covered it all. in a nutshell I have severe low self esteem which I have never made any effort to make myself believe I am worthy in anyway. Even after the books I have written (and the fact that my first one did not sell well did not help my ego lol but I am not the only one who has struggled with that). Dealing with extra challenges has also challenged my self esteem. I have been sinking terribly and I am ashamed to say it considering the fact I am an astrologer. Astrologers are supposed to be spiritual right? Well I truly am as well, but I sure don't act like it. I connect with my higher self when I do my work, but in all other areas of life I fall to my dangerous lower self. It's not good.
Fortunately I have met some amazing life coaches who have already helped me open my eyes. They helped me open my eyes to realize that I need to stop focusing on my fears and all of the stuff that I DON'T want. I need to focus on what I DO want and start making the right actions now so I can get there.
When I get back home, hopefully I will have done more thinking and a few days after my birthday will be coming up. A road to self esteem and to making my dreams come true cannot be a better birthday present that I can give to anyone other than myself.
In this blog I vow to blog about my weight loss which will be permanent, my feelings even if they are irrational, whatever I need to blog about.. I will. It will involve a lot of weight related topics, autism related, or whatever I feel like ranting about! Thank you for reading this.
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